Tuesday, July 22, 2008
Mistakes
Slip-ups. The number one embarassment we as fragile humans, sadly, will endure throughout our lives. Its a time when even the most profound of personalities, the most prominent of masters and the most skilled of trades lose its balance, and the foundations of perfection suffer that, even if a little, crack or nibble. It will be a moment of utter loss, of utter shock, even utter agony, to let others know that you, whoever you have always been perceived to be, too, have a weakness, a soft spot. An Archille's heel if I may. But perceiving such an event as a travesty would be foolish. Because, of all the possible ideas you may get into another person's head, the most important piece you are placing within them, is that you too, are HUMAN. And there's nothng wrong with that. ^^Everyone dreams of a cloudless blue sky, to dance with the birds and bees. But life is never all perfect. It never is. And it never will be.
Mistakes, are, say a disaster to many. Frankly, I've made so many its tearing a hole into my rep even I can't manage to stitch into place. However, its not the degree of seriousness of the mistake that judges the situation. Its the way you look at the mistake, and how you turn the tides that really reflect who you are, and what you are capable of achieving. Why cry over spill milk when you can say you were feeding the cat? Learning how to handle mistkaes is an art, and it takes a master to really turn any situation into his or her favour. Artists use creativity to turn junk soneone else's junk into a master piece. Celebrities empower themselves with so much hippocracy that they can outwit the world by telling them that 'I meant to do that'. Politicians use cliches like 'Its for the benefit of the people' , 'Its what the people will want', and 'Long Live The Queen' when they do something as silly as fart, cuz by doing so they never have to own up, and people move on to the next big thing, putting the embarrasment behind them once and for all. There this negative side of people, that we will never remember the greatest of achievements. No one bothers to remember the guy who invented the first abacus, or even the guy who gave the abacus its name. But everyone remembered that Miss USA fell on the stage, Micheal Jackson broke his nose, and Ronaldo missed the darn penalty! There will come a time when you will let something loose, no matter how careful you are. No matter how many precautions you take, how many times you rehearse that speech, or remember that line. Life is well, unfair. It doesn't matter if your the CEO, or Bon Jovi. Nobody can let a day go by without making something as inevitable, as a MISTAKE.
Mistakes are about making the wrong choices, or taking the wrong turns. Sometimes, its easy to say just go back where you came from and start over. But, life is not always about having a second chance. You'll be lucky if you had one, but if you didn't? Is it my fault that the London bridge just happened to fall and crush me to bits? Is it my fault that the darn Krakatua won't give me that extra 5 mins to get off the island? Or is it my fault that lightning just had to strike at the pool of water I was just standing on? So, when we cannot avoid mistakes, we prevent them. As best as we can. We make precautons. We make preparations, be it mentally, physically or emotonally. We analyse the risks involved, the whole story behind it. We understand what will and will not happen, the ifs and whys, hows whats and what-nots, so that when we make that final jump across the canyon, and if we fall, we know that it can't be helped, because we have done everything in our power to prevent this sort of thing from happening to us. So, better still. Don't make that jump. Take the bridge. Its longer, but at least, you didn't make a mistake that you will regret.
My life was about mistakes here and there, the wrong people, the wrong ideas, concepts and choices of action. And now, as you grow older, you get better. You gather more experience about the things around you. You learn to avoid the things you have to. You learn to control yourself better. You learn that taking the backlane's gonna get you into another mugging. So, as we grow, we improve, and we minimize our mistakes. Not totally, but we are getting somewhere, and hopefully, its just enough to get you through life in a carefree manner. Because we know, at least, that I've been there, and I've done all that, so if I were still going to die in a car crash in some wicked twist of faith, so be it. At least I've got my safety belts on, eh?
Still, I feel lke I've lost too much to account for the mistakes that I've done. The price I had to pay, was, too high, and there was nothng I could do about any of it. But the one thing is this. I'll move on. No matter what this whacked up road called 'Life' may take me, I'll still persevere and move forward, and hopefully, I'll learn to do something right.
Monday, July 21, 2008
Lolz II
The funny thing about life is that, one moment you wish something happened, but it never did. When the time come when you don't wish it to happen, all hell falls upon you relentlessly. That's just how life is with me. I've been through hell, but most of the time only I'm there to savour every moment of it, like it or not, alone. Its like saving someone falling 10 stories high, breaking your collar bone, and then walking away even before anyone can say thanks. And later that night mom gives you one hell of a sounding. And you keep quiet about it.
Life is about choices. Its about the options we make, the separate paths we take, wether we go down or up, left or right, buy or sell, bomb or not to bomb; that shape the events around us. Its not complaining 'How come my grades are falling?' or 'Why wont he/she take my calls', but the little things you have or have not done that makes it that way. Yes, life is all about the little things. Things we never really pay much attention to. Things like remembering her birthday. Things like taking your vitamins. Little promises and obligations that you've so 'macho'ly made. When we do not fulfill them , we go 'So what?'. But the truth is, its these things that gives us joy and satisfaction. Its the thought that, 'Oh, so he remembered' that brings people closer. It gives wamrth, and tenderness, and in the most unlikely of ways, brings us closer to a more loving society.
The world today is, well... Horrible. War? Corruption? Injustice? The strong feast on the weak. The poor get way less than they deserve. Selfishness and greed infest within us. People get backstabed. A loved one could just just fall prey to the hands of crime, and what do we do? What can we do? Sit and weep? Or do our part to make sure this does not go on? Its all about making that decisive choice. To stop yourself from pulling that trigger, or stabbing that poor soul. There's always a choice. And there is nothing that can stop you from making that choice, except of course, unless YOU choose not to. We are the ones who are facing the consequences for our own actions. Be it religious or principals, we always have the chance, to do the right thing, or forever bind ourselves to an eternity of guilt and trauma.
I made my choice. I chose to be with books for another 5 years, rather than spend a fortune on education in college. I chose to sentence myself to hours upon hours of labour and eye-strains, going through the sea of worksheets, assignments and examinations. I chose to be in my alma mater again, not because of anything else, but because I felt it was the safest thing to do. Well, I guess I was right after all. But there and again, I learned. I found new meaning in life. Back in those days when I was a teeny-tiny-widdle-baby, till my standard 6 days, life was dictated by my parents. I went where they went. I ate what they ate. I knew nothing about happiness, or about life and its many casualties. I made a choice at that time. I made a choice to be ignorant. To turn my back against the world. But most of it, was because I loved my parents. I wanted them to know I was a good lad. Time changes people, and it took its toll on me. A little slow perhaps, but it did, nonetheless, and it changed my life forever.
Friends. What are they for right? To be there when you need a shoulder to weep on. To share your pain and wipe away your tears. To cheer you on days that matter to you. To be happy for you when you get what you want. Well, thats what most people will tell you anyway. I learned about friends the hard way. To me, friends were like guradian angels. They look out for you. They give you a pat on the back when you score a goal. They bring up conversations to make you feel that your oppinions mean something. Most of all, they make you feel that sense of belonging no one else can possible accomplish. Your parents? They are what brought you into this world. But parental bonds are worlds apart from peer to peer bonding. Parents understand you. Friends aknowledge you. Parents provde for you. Friends are there for each other. One way or another, a friend is all about being there to make someone feel that he or she is being noticed. That he or she matters. That's what matters in a frendship. But to some, friends are mere tools. These people do not really care whether you fall 10 stories down. They are there for you, yes, but only if it suits them. True friends are rare, and hard to find. Seriously. True friends can get out of their way to help you with something.
Life is about choices. Its about the options we make, the separate paths we take, wether we go down or up, left or right, buy or sell, bomb or not to bomb; that shape the events around us. Its not complaining 'How come my grades are falling?' or 'Why wont he/she take my calls', but the little things you have or have not done that makes it that way. Yes, life is all about the little things. Things we never really pay much attention to. Things like remembering her birthday. Things like taking your vitamins. Little promises and obligations that you've so 'macho'ly made. When we do not fulfill them , we go 'So what?'. But the truth is, its these things that gives us joy and satisfaction. Its the thought that, 'Oh, so he remembered' that brings people closer. It gives wamrth, and tenderness, and in the most unlikely of ways, brings us closer to a more loving society.
The world today is, well... Horrible. War? Corruption? Injustice? The strong feast on the weak. The poor get way less than they deserve. Selfishness and greed infest within us. People get backstabed. A loved one could just just fall prey to the hands of crime, and what do we do? What can we do? Sit and weep? Or do our part to make sure this does not go on? Its all about making that decisive choice. To stop yourself from pulling that trigger, or stabbing that poor soul. There's always a choice. And there is nothing that can stop you from making that choice, except of course, unless YOU choose not to. We are the ones who are facing the consequences for our own actions. Be it religious or principals, we always have the chance, to do the right thing, or forever bind ourselves to an eternity of guilt and trauma.
I made my choice. I chose to be with books for another 5 years, rather than spend a fortune on education in college. I chose to sentence myself to hours upon hours of labour and eye-strains, going through the sea of worksheets, assignments and examinations. I chose to be in my alma mater again, not because of anything else, but because I felt it was the safest thing to do. Well, I guess I was right after all. But there and again, I learned. I found new meaning in life. Back in those days when I was a teeny-tiny-widdle-baby, till my standard 6 days, life was dictated by my parents. I went where they went. I ate what they ate. I knew nothing about happiness, or about life and its many casualties. I made a choice at that time. I made a choice to be ignorant. To turn my back against the world. But most of it, was because I loved my parents. I wanted them to know I was a good lad. Time changes people, and it took its toll on me. A little slow perhaps, but it did, nonetheless, and it changed my life forever.
Friends. What are they for right? To be there when you need a shoulder to weep on. To share your pain and wipe away your tears. To cheer you on days that matter to you. To be happy for you when you get what you want. Well, thats what most people will tell you anyway. I learned about friends the hard way. To me, friends were like guradian angels. They look out for you. They give you a pat on the back when you score a goal. They bring up conversations to make you feel that your oppinions mean something. Most of all, they make you feel that sense of belonging no one else can possible accomplish. Your parents? They are what brought you into this world. But parental bonds are worlds apart from peer to peer bonding. Parents understand you. Friends aknowledge you. Parents provde for you. Friends are there for each other. One way or another, a friend is all about being there to make someone feel that he or she is being noticed. That he or she matters. That's what matters in a frendship. But to some, friends are mere tools. These people do not really care whether you fall 10 stories down. They are there for you, yes, but only if it suits them. True friends are rare, and hard to find. Seriously. True friends can get out of their way to help you with something.
They don't mind getting down and dirty for you. They are willing to sacrifice for you well-being, and the most crucial part is that, they do not expect anything in return. Well, living for 19 whole years, you get to see so many different kinds of people. The 'friends' I knew back then? Gone. Except for two, who are still my bestest buddies. I've seen hippocrites, backstabbers, selfish goons, tongue twisters, fish-bone-in-the-necks, wierdos, freaks. But what they all have in common, is that they yearn to be noticed. The same way two friends in school, sitting next to each other, want more than just to know the others name. They want him or her to lend an oppinion, or hand when necessary. A nudge or a pat on the shoulder to ask 'What's wrong', they want him or her to hear thier stories, help them with a Math question, and on and on and on. Its just the way they express it. People who read too much just find it easier to approach a person and discuss about quantum physics as an opening line. Some people find it wierd or even scary, like they were at a wrong frrequency or channel, but the thing is, he or she wants to have a converstaion. He or she wants to be noticed. Is that too much to ask? If you don't wish to engage in a conversation, don't just shunt them away. Do them a favour. Introduce them to someone else. Tell them your not into this subject, and try to change into something that suits the two of you better. Find a similarity, a balance, and you find yourself talking away. I've been there. Done that. I talk to bookworms, I mix with people who share my interest, and even people who think they are much better than me. But the thing is still, I notice them, and vice versa. No matter what passes through our mouths, the fact will not change that we aknowledge each others existance.
Thing is, I had my heart broken before, and I tell you, it fu**ing hurts! People 'lepasing kapal terbang', hurtful words that pierce through the heart, a fist to the face. When it comes down to it, we won't be able to forgive and forget totally. I know I can't. But we try. We make an effort to do so, and just this trying stage alone shows that you have the heart to give that someone another chance. Wether they take it or leave is another thing. But we move on from there.
So what are friends again? To me, its more than what I've said above, but there has to be a deeper understanding between one another to call someone a true freind. Listening to what you say is a good friend, but telling you than smoking is going to kill you right in your face is a true friend. I'm proud to have several true friends, but most of them are far far away, and I wonder if I am ever going to see them again. The friends I have now? =) I wont call them true friends, but friends. People who aknowledge me, but will not stand up for me during a crossfire. I'll gladly take a bullet for any of them, but I won't hope on them doing the same back. Well, there is one, anyhow, who is not as caught up with material goods, grades, ranks and status quos, social standards or whatever sh** these people are into. Its not really up to me to be labeling people, I know. Well, its downright wrong, and I apologize. But I'm the kind of person who looks at relationships as a very, well, sensitive thing. You don't just have one and let it go the next day. That's just being selfish. Things like this last, for as long as I can remember. Maybe I look at this way too seriously, know... But hey, what are friends for right? Lolz.
Thing is, I had my heart broken before, and I tell you, it fu**ing hurts! People 'lepasing kapal terbang', hurtful words that pierce through the heart, a fist to the face. When it comes down to it, we won't be able to forgive and forget totally. I know I can't. But we try. We make an effort to do so, and just this trying stage alone shows that you have the heart to give that someone another chance. Wether they take it or leave is another thing. But we move on from there.
So what are friends again? To me, its more than what I've said above, but there has to be a deeper understanding between one another to call someone a true freind. Listening to what you say is a good friend, but telling you than smoking is going to kill you right in your face is a true friend. I'm proud to have several true friends, but most of them are far far away, and I wonder if I am ever going to see them again. The friends I have now? =) I wont call them true friends, but friends. People who aknowledge me, but will not stand up for me during a crossfire. I'll gladly take a bullet for any of them, but I won't hope on them doing the same back. Well, there is one, anyhow, who is not as caught up with material goods, grades, ranks and status quos, social standards or whatever sh** these people are into. Its not really up to me to be labeling people, I know. Well, its downright wrong, and I apologize. But I'm the kind of person who looks at relationships as a very, well, sensitive thing. You don't just have one and let it go the next day. That's just being selfish. Things like this last, for as long as I can remember. Maybe I look at this way too seriously, know... But hey, what are friends for right? Lolz.
Lolz
This is kinda my own secret blog. Very farny no? It never occured to me that blogging could get this fun. I mean, pouring out ideas into the vastness of cyberspace did sound akward in the first place. C'mon, let's face it, I remember the days I actually despised blogging. 'Its a waste of time la da!', 'Got better things to do la!' and even 'U blog? Zha tou!' was always what we talked about back in secondary 5. Anywayz, can let me practise my Ing-ge-lish oso. Laf Out Laud.
Oh, before that, since this is gonna be my new secret blog, let's see. My name is Vanryuzuki. Vanryuzuki Sumiki. I didn't come up with this name, but someone really close to me did, until we kinda never saw each other again. I live in this twisted world of never ending torment, deep dark conspiracies and chocolates. Yup, I love chocs~ ^^ Its one of those precious reasons I'm still alive. Especially those with peanuts on top. Oooh~ crunchy, sweet little delectable babies. Rofl. I study in the Ministry of Bastards and Sadists (MBS), and I'm somewhere between University and a form 5 dropout. Nice. Despite all of this unimportant facts, I'm in love yet no one loves me. I survived drowning under a pool for 5 whole minutes. I watched my senior die. I walk past the same old school, same old neighbourhood and meet the same old people everyday. I've been to Japan, which is a dream come true. I've been betrayed, I've been robbed and I've lived through it all to write some crap on some silly website. Thrilling. Yet, worthwhile.
I recently picked up this acursed habit of blogging from a bunch of classmates. I tell you... these are really special people; each with their very own characteristics, style and gusto. Well me no wanna tell you names, cuz you know, then this wont be a secret no more rite? Lolz. Oh my... I'm even startin to type lazy. But I can let u in on a little secret. There are 21 of us. We don't look alike. We are not in any way bold. Most of us love to chat about the jitters of life. Some of us wear blue, while others just look blue. Some of us like another one of us, only to let the other one of us feel like the one of us is being creepy. We got couples. We got long time school mates. We have a crazy monitor. We have brotherly and sisterly love. And most importantly, we are on the same boat traveling on the same course towards STPM.
Sigh. I still don't know why I rant, but my life has been more than dull lately, and the exams are round the corner. So what the hell? If this is a way to release stress, I'm more than willing to do so, I'm desperate man! Well, not so desperate lar! There's alwayz DOTA, chatting with old classmates, go yum cha, sing K, go loiter around KL in a green MyVi. Seems live isn't that boring after all.
Ok, now to rant about my fewlings~
I'm rather paranoid when it come to facing life and its challenges. I see people I want to see. I avoid responsibilities. I sometimes juz want to find this really huge rocket that can send me to space into some distant planet where people will juz forget who I am (of course, I'm picky, so that planet's gotta have water, McDonalds and Burger Kings, though I dunno who's gonna run them). I have frens. I lose most of them because of time, distance and because of stupid meagre little misunderstandings. I sound very emotional hor? Lolz. Juz wanna get stuff off my chest. Cuz I dun think anyone will want to read this.
I dream of being a marine biologist, but ever since I got a B3 instead of my targetted A1 in SPM, that dream shattered, and I turned to Pshycology, which, franckly speaking, is definately NOT what I wanna be. I have no goals, I'm lost within the quagmire of forgotten time and space. You can call me a troubled kid, but I have my morals, believes, and principals towards life. I hate the way I look, because I can't have long hair. I love to read. I love English, and hopefully 1 day I'll write a book. But with the level I'm at that would be rather impossible.
Okie... Feel much better now. I don't really like who I am right now, but I love to think of who I'm going to be in the future. Anyway, juz don't waste your time reading this ok? Ok. Thx loads.
Nobody trully understands my wants and needs, but I live to make the people around me happy. But sometimes, after giving and giving and giving, you yearn for somethng, however small it may be, as a token. Like letting people know you are there. ^^ Ok that sounds really pathetic.
My motto: Been there, Done that. Now I've got to think about it.
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